In the military, they say something like “Lt. Dan McCaskill, reporting for duty, sir!” In baseball we say something like: “Hi! My name is Brian! I’m here to play CATCH! Wheeeeee!”

8:30 A.M. – Players go their stuff into their lockers

This only takes 30 minutes. A few years ago an entire day was reserved for it because players had large quantities of steroids to go in, place in a safe and/or refrigerate. Today it’s just glove, bat, cleats, pictures of wife and family and mistress and family. The basics.

9:00 A.M. – Meet and greet / socializing

Pitching and catching is a very intimate activity. You don’t just catch anyone’s balls, nor do you throw yours at any guy who’s willing to crouch down for you. So players are first given the opportunity to talk to one another and find a excellent match.

9:30 A.M – Calisthenics

Stretching. This is what makes baseball players fantastic athletes.

10:00 A.M. – Adjusting of the scrotum

All that movement made it fall out of place. There. That’s better.

10:15 A.M. – Q-and-A with the manager

This is an opportunity for the players to talk directly to the man in charge in a group setting to question any questions or voice any grievances. This can start 10-15 minutes late depending on how long the manager’s morning round went.

10:45 A.M. – More calisthenics

Why not, right? You can never be too loose. Plus, we’re about to dial up the PAIN! But first …

11:00 A.M. – Bathroom break / chew break / smoke break / Busch break / *** break with a Hooters waitress

Veterans can do them all at once. Whereas half the time rookies come back out onto the field with cigarette burns on their junk and a Busch can full of urine.

11:15 A.M. – Light jogging

Now for the PAIN. But keep it LIGHT. Do regular jogging or actual running and you will be punished and forced to RUN!

11:17 A.M. – Rest time

Whew! Much deserved! This is exhausting.

12:30 P.M. – More calisthenics

All the fantastic teams of past eras first perfected the jumping jack before they did anything on the baseball diamond. It’s right!

12:45 P.M. – Lunch

The season is quick approaching. You need to really watch your diet and cut down on the calories. No. Just kidding. You’re baseball players. Chow down, chubby.

1:30 P.M. – More calisthenics

But these are post-lunch calisthenics. We don’t want to cramp up. We’ll just visualize each other doing cartwheels. Whoa! Look at Javier spin!

2:00 P.M. – Scrotal adjustment

Incredible how a few barbecue sandwiches and some visualized calisthenics can plop your stuff right out of your cup again.

2:30 P.M. – Refresher on the fundamentals

Led by a local PGA pro. Remember: most strokes are saved in the small game.

3:00 P.M. – Bathroom break / chew break / smoke break / whiskey break / *** break with a Hooters waitress

Busch is for mornings. Whiskey time!

3:30 P.M. – Brainstorming

Anyone got any thoughts for new calisthenics? Preferably ones that don’t cause any strain on the back or hamstrings? Also, who wants to go in on a bulk order of Skoal?

4:00 P.M. – Light jogging

It’s time to dial it up a bit. We’re going game speed now! Imagine you are running in from the bullpen to pitch. Whoa. Whoa. Who said to imagine you are a closer and have your own theme song? Slow down! You should imagine you are a veteran long reliever going through a messy divorce. Safety is the key here.

4:15 P.M. – Report to outfield for long toss

Try to avoid the areas that are all full of divots from guys hitting pitching wedges.

4:58 P.M. – Commence long-tossing

Ahh, yeah. Hope springs eternal.

5:00 P.M. – Dismissed

Note: Tomorrow’s schedule is cut in half so players can get in a round at that new Jack Nicklaus course.